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Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Bali Holiday Chinese New Year 2012

Off to the airport,
It's holiday Time...
My sandals & just a short,
Cause' I still don't have a dime!

A Limo to come get us
All the way to our terminal
Unnecessary but pleasant fuss
Bound to boost the moral!

Passport & Visa
Check in & Customs
All in order, ''Et Voila''
Departure lounge here it comes!

Looking at this big steel bird
Anxiety I start to feel...
One in ten millions chances I heard
To free fall and to squeal!

Before take off, I shall pray
Not to end up on an island ''Cast Away''
With a football friend named ''Wilson''
Keeping me from going crazy all alone!

''One of the safest way to travel''
I hear a passenger say...
And the hostess to yell
''Life vests under, shall you hear MAYDAY-MAYDAY''

Now all switch off your phones!
...And I don't want to hear no moans!
Keep your eyes on me,
And listen carefully.

''Just Safety Precautions''
In an -unlikely- event of an emergency
Yet stressing strict instructions 
To observe diligently!
''Emergency Exits, here, here and here!''
''Oxygen masks above and lit pathways there''
Giving me all reasons to fear
Ski diving from the air!

But let's not get dramatic,
Disasters seldom happen...
Unless we have a fanatic,
Ready, onboard & well hidden!

Where was it six years ago...
Men in robes shouting ''Allah''
Blew up a bunch of white people
To shag 47 virgin fatma?...

Where are we going already?!
Oh! I remember! -to Bali-!

I've got everything I need
And a plan for each day
Most importantly to feed
At every hours of the day!

Captain announces our landing
Now all excited, this is for real!
Bag on my shoulder, first standing
My impatience, I try to conceal!

Captain says ''Sorry, in your seats you will stay!''
We have a sick passenger, out of luck
So until a doctor comes our way,
All together you are stuck!

Staff rushing on their way
Panic in their eyes
Defibrillator without delay
This is drama TV full size!

Passenger's wife crying
Sick guy wheezing
Other passengers waiting
And few good souls praying...

Freedom at last! We disembark!
At fast speed we rush & go
Cant wait to reach the sack,
Everyone's just too slow!!

We jump in a taxi
''Direct'' to our hotel
But the driver's a newbie
We turn quiet and very pale!

Few wrong turns
And a close collision
Our enthusiasm curbs
Projecting hospitalization!

The resort we reach!
And so the end of our ordeal...
The driver we ditch
With his driving ''alla Kill Bill''!

Here we are in our bungalow!
With a ''spidy'' in the sink saying hello!
I jump high, adrenalin pumping!
Grabbing a glass, both hands shaking,
Getting closer, Spidy jumping
Asthma triggering and glass breaking!

No way, wont sleep, cant sleep
Til' I finally get rid,
Of that bloody arachnid!

All done, we crash in bed exhausted!
In this haven of tranquility......and bugs....
Until an army of frogs croaked our way,
Where are them bloody earplugs!?

The next morning, starving for breakfast
We decide to brave the Balinese roads
Helmets, padded clothes and luck a must,
We rent a vespa, Slouch shoulders and curbs our toes!

Back looking like two hedgehogs in shock
Perhaps a car would be safer...
The roads here worse than in Bangkok
If not a tank, extra armor! 

Map, first aid kit & religious faith!
Car rental does not provide insurance!
''Don't worry you'll be just safe''
Kidnapping my bank card if  by mischance!

Here we go jungle roads!
Andmy first time driving on this side...
Which way do I turn at crossroads?!
Ill try my best not to collide...

''Watch the ditch by my side!''
''And the suicidal dogs crossing!''
Somebody's gonna die
If I don't start focusing!

Intensive orientation training!
Between ''Dempasar'' and ''Uddu''...
At every street corners we are stopping
Where are we? We haven't got a clue!

Road signs are handy!
If only not hidden behind trees!
''For goodness sake drive slowly!''
''How many times shall i say please?''

Up the mountain we go
In the fog and the pestering rain...
Missing a harsh turn also
My friend to scream and to complain!

Huge lorries running at snail's pace
Second gear our only speed
Patience we must embrace
25km/h we can't exceed!!!

We stop at a charming ''restaurant''
A good coffee we were hoping
Our first sip with a loud grunt
What the hell is this dark thing???

''Balinese Coffee Madam,
Very sweet with bits in it''
More like liquid brown jam
Couldn't swallow but only spit!

Banana pancake sounds appealing!
I order one hoping to better taste
Oily uncooked batter with garlic in
Or some dodgy old dirty paste...

Ill stick to packed crisps
And bottled water will do
Nothing else to pass my lips
Nothing at all, really, thank you!

Lazy day at the pool
I end up red as a lobster
Looking like a bicolor fool
Or a giant talking blister!

Hiding in pain in every shades
I wait to stroll in the gardens
At least until all sunlight fades
Ill get out when it darkens...

Alas as a new born cretin,
I didn't think I was gonna be eaten 
And to death viciously bitten
By the flying dirty dozen!

Burned & itchy
This is nature at it's best
In traffic jams & sweaty
If only the pain could be repressed

I'm too proud so I wont moan
Ill smile and pretend all the way
And when all alone
This is painkillers buffet!

Holiday coming to an end
Time to come back to reality
I hope red is the trend
Ill be glowing very brightly!